Life as an Imaginary Mother: What?

     For as long as I can remember, being a mom was always a part of my plan.  When I was little, I would play baby with my dolls, cradling them gently, brushing their hair, dressing them.  As I got older, that dream started to hold a bigger place in my heart.  As time went on, I was blessed to see my sister go through the journey of becoming a mother.  I watched her change into something bigger than herself.  I watched as she sacrificed so much to give that little, crying, pooping, and eating "thing" everything she deserved.  And I watched her do it not only once, but twice.
     And I wanted to experience that.  I've waited to feel the flutter of the first movement, the first hiccups, the first kick, punch, and kung-fu moves.  I've waited for that first time of hearing the tiniest heart beat.  I've waited for that moment when a second line appears telling me I'm pregnant.  I've waited.
     20 months.  In April of 2012, my husband and I decided we were finally ready, after 3 years of marriage, to grow our family.  We were excited, scared, anxious.  All the feelings that come with making a huge life decision.  The one I was feeling most of all was excitement.  It was FINALLY my turn.  After seeing so many friends and relatives get to experience the joy of having a baby, I was so ready to experience it for myself and I knew it was going to happen immediately.
     There was only one little problem.  It didn't.  Month after month I would wait to see if this month would be the month.  And month after month, it wasn't.  I never wanted so badly to see two lines show up a stick I had peed on just moments before in my ENTIRE LIFE.  I couldn't understand how something that I had spent the last three years trying to prevent could be so incredibly hard to accomplish.  Those I told said "Just relax.  It'll happen."  But I know it wasn't that easy.  In the beginning, I was relaxed.  I mean, trying is the fun part, right?
     After a few months, I decided to start tracking.  I used ovulation prediction kits, I tracked my basal temperature, I monitored my cycles (even go to the point I could tell you down to the minute when I would get my monthly visit).  It became a chore.  I was trying everything and it was wearing on my relationship with my husband.  And despite all the charting, the scheduling, and the silliness, I still wasn't pregnant.
     So I went to the doctor.  She told me that, because of my age, and my husbands, that they wouldn't start looking into infertility until we had been trying for at least 18 months.  18 MONTHS!  She told me to relax and let it happen.

     So, that's what I did.  I quit charting.  I quit scheduling.  For almost a year.  And wouldn't you know it, I'm still not pregnant.  And for the last 20 months, I have taken a pregnancy test, and for the last 20 months, I've gotten a big fat negative.  20 times I was told "Oh.  You think you'll get to start your journey to motherhood this month?!  HA!".

    And this brings me to today, December 13, 2013.  In exactly one month, I will go visit an OB/GYN to talk about my options and see where we can go from here. I want to remember the way I feel, the thoughts in my head, and the steps we take to make my family whole.

   If you are sharing in this struggle with me, please share your story with me.  I need to know that I am not alone.  We all do.