You know when you want to know but you don't really want to know....

   

     Today was one of those times for me. Last week, Drew and I visited the Tulsa Fertility Center to (finally) have him tested.  This will be our 26 month of trying to conceive while not understanding why we can't, but the first time we had been told to test "the other half".

     We drove down to Tulsa last Thursday, which meant we had to wait...and wait...and wait...for his results to come in.  I finally received a call last night from my OB/GYN's nurse telling me to call them, they had his results.  I did but couldn't ever reach anyone.  They finally got back with me today.

     You know how sometimes you know something is right but you don't want to tell yourself that the sense you have is trying to warn you?  Well...this was one of those times.  I could tell by the way she was talking to me that it wasn't going to be great news.  "We have the results back...and...well..while you have a chance of getting pregnant on your own...it's very small...his count was considerably lower than normal...so Dr. E will be referring you to the Tulsa Fertility Center...we feel the best way to get you a baby is through artificial insemination...or IUI."  In that 10 seconds...I literally felt my heart rip in half.  But I wasn't sad.  Can't really say I was shocked either...just numb.  But I cried (in fact I still am).
 

     It's weird.  We now have an official diagnosis of male factor infertility...so we're no longer "unexplained".  But, I don't really feel any better having an answer than I did when we didn't know...but I don't feel any worse either.  Maybe I'm still processing.  I don't know.  I do know that this place will become very familiar to us over the next few months as we continue our (hopefully over soon!!!) journey through this hell storm of infertility.

    Our new doctors last name is McKinney, so I'm taking that as a good sign.  :)  Please, please continue to pray for us or send us positive thoughts.  This is going to be very hard on us in every way (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially).  My insurance won't cover anything from here on out, but we've already decided we will figure out how to make it work.   I don't know when treatment will start.  I don't even know when our first appointment with them will be or how any of it works.  Almost feels like we're just right back where we started.  

    So, here's my "official" proclamation.   My husband and I, aged 26 and 24, are suffering from infertility.  I don't know when, but soon we will be starting fertility treatment in the form of IUI (intra-uterine insemination) at the Tulsa Fertility Center.  We will not let this bring us down.  We will not fall to the hurt and the unexplained pain that is infertility. We will continue hoping for our future Baby Granger.  We will continue praying and we won't give up.  Because, as I've come to learn the last two years, anything worth having is worth waiting for.