Not as bad as it seems...

   

     Last week, Drew and I had our first appointment with our fertility specialist in Tulsa.  We made the two hour (and $6!) trek to downtown Tulsa and the place that will soon become our second home.  We got there early, signed in, and then waited. Those 15 minutes before our appointment seemed like an eternity.  I don't even remember what I was feeling, I just know it must have been everything: fear, happiness, flat out terror.  When they called our name I'm pretty sure my heart beat out of my chest.  They did the normal stuff (height, weight, blah, blah, blah).  We met with our first nurse who basically double checked all our information and told us Dr. McKinney would be with us shortly.

     Let me get this out there.  I LOVE our doctor.  She was so kind and informative.  She went through our lab work and Drew's results.  She assured us that we were not up against anything IUI couldn't handle!  I almost cried.  She then continued to tell us, that while she didn't want to get our hopes up, she herself was an IUI success story...not just once...but twice!  She explained the issues we were dealing with and made sure we understood what she was telling us.  We talked with her for about 15 minutes about how long we had been trying, our lifestyle habits, the usual.  She then told us that if we had come in just two months earlier, even with our results, she wouldn't have suggested we attempt fertility treatments just yet.  She continued to tell us some things we didn't know (and things I hadn't even found while googling the SNOT out of everything) including the fact that a women doesn't ovulate every month out of the year...that my mind could trigger an LH surge without my body actually ovulating...and that in the two years we've been trying to conceive, if we consider we had a 1/5 chance naturally, we've only had 5 chances at natural conception.  She kind of blew my mind.  She then continued to tell us that we were an excellent candidate for the IUI procedure and she wanted to get us started as soon as possible!  I did tear up a little then :)

     Unfortunately, we couldn't get started right away.  We have to have lab work done to prove we don't have any infectious diseases or STDs and I have to have a  hysterosalpingogram (http://www.reproductivefacts.org/uploadedFiles/ASRM_Content/Resources/Patient_Resources/Fact_Sheets_and_Info_Booklets/hsg.pdf) to make sure I don't have any blockage in my tubes.  We're looking at starting our first IUI cycle in September.

    And of course, not a bit of this is covered by insurance.  Which means every appointment, every test, every ultrasound has to be paid out of pocket.  It's heart breaking to realize you have to pay money to do something that 90% of the population gets to do for free...

    While we are more than thrilled to finally have answers and a plan of action, we're also terrified that this won't work for us.  We hope to stay cautiously optimistic that we will be the 1 out of 5 who has a successful IUI with a full term pregnancy and healthy delivery on our first round (It's gotta be someone, right?).

     This path has been far from easy, and I know it isn't even close to being over.  I've noticed over the last few days that when I start to feel overwhelmed and break, something tells me this is going to be for a greater purpose.  I hear a little voice whispering to me that someday, I'm going to use this in a big way.  I hold on to that little voice with everything I have.

You know when you want to know but you don't really want to know....

   

     Today was one of those times for me. Last week, Drew and I visited the Tulsa Fertility Center to (finally) have him tested.  This will be our 26 month of trying to conceive while not understanding why we can't, but the first time we had been told to test "the other half".

     We drove down to Tulsa last Thursday, which meant we had to wait...and wait...and wait...for his results to come in.  I finally received a call last night from my OB/GYN's nurse telling me to call them, they had his results.  I did but couldn't ever reach anyone.  They finally got back with me today.

     You know how sometimes you know something is right but you don't want to tell yourself that the sense you have is trying to warn you?  Well...this was one of those times.  I could tell by the way she was talking to me that it wasn't going to be great news.  "We have the results back...and...well..while you have a chance of getting pregnant on your own...it's very small...his count was considerably lower than normal...so Dr. E will be referring you to the Tulsa Fertility Center...we feel the best way to get you a baby is through artificial insemination...or IUI."  In that 10 seconds...I literally felt my heart rip in half.  But I wasn't sad.  Can't really say I was shocked either...just numb.  But I cried (in fact I still am).
 

     It's weird.  We now have an official diagnosis of male factor infertility...so we're no longer "unexplained".  But, I don't really feel any better having an answer than I did when we didn't know...but I don't feel any worse either.  Maybe I'm still processing.  I don't know.  I do know that this place will become very familiar to us over the next few months as we continue our (hopefully over soon!!!) journey through this hell storm of infertility.

    Our new doctors last name is McKinney, so I'm taking that as a good sign.  :)  Please, please continue to pray for us or send us positive thoughts.  This is going to be very hard on us in every way (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially).  My insurance won't cover anything from here on out, but we've already decided we will figure out how to make it work.   I don't know when treatment will start.  I don't even know when our first appointment with them will be or how any of it works.  Almost feels like we're just right back where we started.  

    So, here's my "official" proclamation.   My husband and I, aged 26 and 24, are suffering from infertility.  I don't know when, but soon we will be starting fertility treatment in the form of IUI (intra-uterine insemination) at the Tulsa Fertility Center.  We will not let this bring us down.  We will not fall to the hurt and the unexplained pain that is infertility. We will continue hoping for our future Baby Granger.  We will continue praying and we won't give up.  Because, as I've come to learn the last two years, anything worth having is worth waiting for.