Updates, Updates, Updates!

     Alright, folks.  It's Thursday night and I know several of you know that I went back to the doctor today to get the results of my THS and prolactin tests back.  And they came back : NORMAL!  I was so thrilled.  Knowing that helped get through the rest of the uncomfortable appointment which included a nurse tech and two female interns/med students ALONG WITH my doctor (yikes).

     After spending 30 minutes trying to find my lady parts on the ultra sound (trying to spare you any gory details ;) ) he finally said that things looked okay, but I may need a *little* extra help with ovulating.  So, he prescribed 50 mg of clomiphene (clomid).  This basically gives me a better environment for ovulation so the natural part can happen more easily.  This also means that I will be going to the doctor during my cycle for ultrasounds to make sure things are working how they should be.  He also left saying "A little exercise never killed anyone either..." and he's lucky I like him or he may not have liked my response :)  So, with that, I'm asking every single one of you to keep me accountable to that.  Because he is right, and my future baby is totally worth it!

      So, then I get home and start looking up things about clomid.  Let me just tell you: it is terrifying!  Reading about all the hormonal ups and downs, the hot flashes, and the down right nastiness that is surely to come has me a bit frightened.  So anyone who is to run into me in a month or two and I'm hateful, an early apology from this soon to be crazy clomid lady!

Keep Calm and....

     Well, it is now three hours after my first appointment about infertility, and I still can't keep the smile off my face!  While I wasn't given an all clear, or all the answers I was looking for, I was given a sense of hope, and that means the world to me.

     Let me start by saying that I am so glad  I chose the doctor that I did.  He has the same sense of humor that I do, is easy to get along with, straight forward, and most of all, hopeful.  He asked me a huge amount of questions (which I was already prepared for thanks to some internet research).

      And instead of saying "Well, let's give it some more time" he said "We can draw blood today and start the tests if that's what you want?"  If that's what I want?!  Heck yes that's what I want, are you kidding?!  That's exactly what I want! And that's exactly what we did!  I had to have blood drawn (uuuuuugghhh).  While I was waiting, I got to watch a lady have her blood drawn.  They tried four different veins and got nothing.  She looked over at me and laughed and said "You're awfully pale".  Yeah.  I'm about to pass out but thanks!  After rescheduling her appointment, it was my turn. And I didn't even cry....too much.  I wasn't able to watch the blood be drawn.  However, I survived it and know I can do it without passing out.

     I go back Thursday to get the results from this test (THS levels and something else that starts with a P that I can't remember for the life of me) and have an ultra sound done, but I'll spare you the details for that one.  One last thing, as he was leaving the exam room, he looked back at said "Get ready.  If I don't have you pregnant this month, you will be next month".  Guess I better get myself ready for those two lines on the pee stick!

Baby Steps: Resolution Check In

   

     Unlike years past, I decided this year that I would only have one resolution:  act as though I'm already pregnant.  To some, this might seem silly, stupid, or odd.  But to me, it's one step (be it a small step) towards reaching the biggest goal I've ever set for myself: being a mother.  And unlike years past,  I've actually stuck to my guns.  Simply because, in 2014, it WILL be my turn.

     In the last two weeks, I've managed to take better care of myself.  I've cut down my soda intake (not completely, but I'm working on it), I've quit coffee (GASP), I set up a savings account (and kept money in it all month without touching it!) and I've taken my prenatal vitamin EVERY SINGLE DAY!  That last one is huge for me, since my memory is shorter than that of a two year old.  Not only have I done all that, but I also made a big step and changed the reason for my appointment tomorrow.

     Despite the fact that it literally made me feel like I might throw up (hey, getting me ready for morning sickness), I called and requested that my reason be changed from a routine yearly exam to ...... *gulp* a beginning infertility appointment.  She even made me say infertility.  And it was hard.  And I cried when I hung up the phone because I couldn't believe I had to actually say it.  I had to make it real.

     So, tomorrow morning at 11:00, I am going to meet with a doctor that I have heard nothing but great things about.  And how am I feeling?  Well: scared, anxious, excited, thrilled, nauseous, sad, nervous, angry, hopeful.  I hope to leave with answers tomorrow, but my greatest fear is that I will leave more lost and hurt than I am right now.  So I'm going to ask that you please send me good vibes, positive thoughts, and prayers for myself, for Drew, and for the Doctor I will be seeing (too bad he isn't British and doesn't carry a Sonic Screwdriver).  Pray that I can get the answers I so desperately need.    I'll try and update tomorrow afternoon.

     One last thing, please, if you have a question for me, or you want to talk to me, or you want to know anything about anything, don't hesitate to ask me.  I'm only open because someone else was open towards me (and I hope she knows the huge impact she's had on me during this whole experience).  Infertility shouldn't have to be a secret, and those suffering shouldn't have to feel afraid, ashamed, or alone.

New Year's Resolutions

     Another year has come and gone.  2013 was a pretty significant year for me.  I faced huge heart break, but even bigger successes.  I got my first "real" job teaching first grade in Noel, MO.  Both a grade and a place I never imagined myself being in, but a job I wouldn't leave for anything.

 I celebrated three years of marriage with my husband, as well as seven years of putting up with each other's nonsense.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and had pictures taken, on my own, after I won a Facebook contest involving body love (and I did it in a dress!).

  2013 was also the year I decided to speak out about something I had been struggling with silently for two years: the chance that I wasn't able to successfully have children on my own.

    New Year's is a time when everyone sets resolutions.  May be to lose the weight, exercise more, save more better, be a better person.  I set them last year, and held to very, very few of them.  But not this year.  This year, 2014, I only have one:

Live as though I am already pregnant.

     What do I mean?  I mean making better choices when it comes to what I allow in my body: less soda, less sugar, less salt, less crap.  I mean being more active by walking more or riding my bike.  I mean loving my body, just the way it is, and the life I hope to create with it. I mean taking my prenatal vitamins EVERY SINGLE DAY without accidentally forgetting.  I mean being kinder to those around me to leave a better world for my future baby.  I mean saving money in order to give him or her (or them :D) the life they deserve.  It means not being afraid to talk about my struggle (and you shouldn't be afraid to ask me about it).

     It's crazy, isn't it, how one simple sentence can sum up so much?