A lot has changed...

I hadn't realized that the last time I sat down to write was August 13th.  If only I had known then the changes that would soon be coming!  I wanted to take some time to sit down and tell about how we found out we were expecting our first baby before I forgot how I felt.  So, this will be long, but worth it.  So, here goes.

On August 13th, I had a procedure done called an HSG where they go in and make sure my tubes are clear of any blockages or cysts.  I got great results and a go ahead from my OB and fertility clinic to start planning our education courses.  Before we left, the nurse commented on upping our game that month as HSG has a reputation for increasing infertility.  I blew her off.  Our issues weren't that easily fixed.  Or so on thought.

That month was insane.  School was starting, I was getting back into the swing of being at work, and Drew and I were working on making our total opposite schedules work so we could actually see each other during the week.  Making a baby was (honestly) the last thing on our minds.  I stayed in contact with the clinic and had arrangements made to start our parenting courses in September.  I had told my boss about the number of days I would be missing for various appointments and was given the ok.  I was exhausted, but I attributed that to dealing with 26 first graders on a daily basis again and giving 110% at work.

When the time came for my cycle to restart, I called the clinic and asked about setting up our classes.  They were full for the month of September.  I was crushed.  They told me they would put me on the waiting list and see if anything came open, but if not, I would have to wait to start until October.  That would put a huge kink in MY plan of having the baby in the summer and not missing any more work.  They told me to go ahead and test the day of my expected period and call back with the all clear of another unsuccessful cycle and they would do their best to work me in.

This leads us to September 8th.  The day of my next expected period.  I had some cheapy tests left over from the ovulation packs I buy online.  So I did my business, stuck in the stick, and sat in on the counter.  I can't even tell you the accurate number of times I have done this over the last 2 and a half years.  But I would say probably close to 80.  When I walked back in to the bathroom, I noticed something a little different about this test.  There was a second line.

 The green stick was an ovulation test that I had taken previously.  I swore I was making it up.  I wanted so desperately to see two lines, so I was.  I called my sister.  She, logically, told me to go buy a digital test at Wal-Mart.  I don't think she meant to buy 20, but that's what I did!  I knew it would be better to wait until morning, but if you know me, then you know that patience is not a virtue I have.  I dipped the stick, flipped it over, waited the required 3 minutes...and then......

 It said the one word I never thought I would see:  Pregnant.  I started crying.  And jumping.  And screaming.  I ran into the bedroom to wake Drew up and tell him.  He was still asleep and it took him a bit, but I will never forget the grin on his face when it hit him.  WE DID IT!  And not only that, we somehow managed to do it on our own!

I called my OB the next day and scheduled my first appointment..  they wouldn't see me until 8 weeks, which would be October 13. Those four weeks were LONG and I tested nearly every day just to make sure it was still there.  When it finally came, I got confirmation and our due date, May 13th, 2015.  

7 Weeks Pregnant and my FIRST EVER baby bump picture!

15 weeks...I think I'm finally starting to round out!

Our first ultrasound at 12 weeks!

Which brings us to today, I'm now 16 weeks pregnant and everything is going well! Baby has a heart rate of 148 beats and likes to cause the doctor lots of problems by being like its parents (like the kid ever stood a chance).  We go back December 18th to get official confirmation on whether Baby G is a boy or a girl.

It's hard for me to believe that this time last year, I was so hurt and lost.  I can remember sitting and thinking about how much I despised the holidays.  This year, they have a whole new meaning and I am so, so incredibly grateful for my little miracle!

Testing, Testing...

     AHH!  The last few weeks have been crazy over here at the Granger house!  I've been getting ready for school to start back up and Drew is working on switching his schedule around so he'll actually get to see me when I start back tomorrow!  I'm excited to get the year started!  Unlike last year, I'm actually somewhat organized and ready to go!  I'm also so thankful for the amazing principal I work under.  She could have easily told me I couldn't miss contract time to have this test done, but instead, she told me she was excited for us and our new journey and would be keeping us in prayer.  She also told me she would be flexible with me and my soon to be numerous appointments in Tulsa.  Hallelujah!

     On to the fun stuff...I have been not so patiently waiting since this time last month to schedule my HSG (hystero-salpingiogram) with my OB.  This is a test that uses dye and an x-ray machine to make sure my tubes aren't blocked and to check for signs of endometriosis.  I was warned before hand that the test could be painful (depending on the amount of blockage in my tubes, if any) so I was completely nervous and scared.  I wanted Drew with me, but there were already four other people in the radiology room and they just wouldn't let him come back.  So the nurses got me all prepped and ready to go.  One nurse in particular seemed a little embarrassed about what was about to happen.  She said, and I quote, "He'll uh, plop your legs up there, insert this here, well, in there...insert this (this being a catheter) and then shoot the dye up in there and take a picture with the x-ray machine".  Or, as I would have said it, he will insert the speculum, attach the catheter, and inject my uterus with a blue dye to make sure my tubes aren't blocked.  If I've learned nothing else over the last six months it's that there is no point in being embarrassed over my lady bits and the way they function!!

     Anyway, so after waiting for the radiologist to make his way to my room for 10 minutes, it was finally time.  I knew immediately when he inserted the dye and could feel it move into my tubes.  And it HURT.  It was a strange kind of pain though, but I tensed up and teared up.  And then, almost as soon as it started, it was over.  And the big news...

     I'M ALL CLEAR!  I have a "great" uterus and my tubes show no signs of blockage.  Which means NO endo!  Yay!  Before I left, the nurse told me to be sure and "up our game" this month since this procedure has a history of increasing fertility.  I told her I doubted that my clear tubes could help my husbands clumpy sperm but we'd give it a shot (again...all embarrassment is gone out the window at this point).

     So, next step is to wait for the Fertility Center to call me with my "official" results and schedule our patient education class!   After this, we'll start our very first IUI cycle!  I'm so nervous and scared.  We only get three shots at this before they move us to IVF, but we are so, so hopeful it only takes one to get us our healthy and successful pregnancy!

Sometimes it's the little things...

     Woo!  If there is one thing I've learned in the last two years it is that celebrating the good, even if it's small, is totally acceptable and even necessary!

     Wednesday, Drew and I went and got our blood drawn.  He only had to have 3 vials...I had to have 6.  Yuck!  I hate having my blood drawn, so I thought I'd let Drew go first...he's a pretty quick drainer and was done in less than 5 minutes!  I wasn't ready for my turn.  The lab tech was really nice and talked through the whole thing.  It only took one try to find a vein (thank God) and then...I wouldn't drain.  My blood was not having that nonsense.  Eventually, after stretching out my arm and wiggle the needle a little, she got my 6 vials.  It felt like it took an eternity, but probably didn't take longer than 10 minutes.  When we were leaving she said we would have all our results by Friday.

     Well, it's Friday...and...EVERYTHING CAME BACK NORMAL!  My TSH and Prolactin levels are normal, which means PCOS and thyroid issues aren't something we have to worry about on top of the male factor!  I did some research on some things that were a little low (but still in the normal range) and I have low iron so I will be supplementing my current daily doses of evening primrose oil, prenatal, folic acid,and vitamin C with iron.  I swear my kitchen is turning in an herbal shop between all the pills Drew and I are taking!

     Now, I'm just waiting for my monthly guest to show her ugly face so I can call and schedule my HSG to make sure my tubes are good to go....and then it's waiting for September!

Not as bad as it seems...

   

     Last week, Drew and I had our first appointment with our fertility specialist in Tulsa.  We made the two hour (and $6!) trek to downtown Tulsa and the place that will soon become our second home.  We got there early, signed in, and then waited. Those 15 minutes before our appointment seemed like an eternity.  I don't even remember what I was feeling, I just know it must have been everything: fear, happiness, flat out terror.  When they called our name I'm pretty sure my heart beat out of my chest.  They did the normal stuff (height, weight, blah, blah, blah).  We met with our first nurse who basically double checked all our information and told us Dr. McKinney would be with us shortly.

     Let me get this out there.  I LOVE our doctor.  She was so kind and informative.  She went through our lab work and Drew's results.  She assured us that we were not up against anything IUI couldn't handle!  I almost cried.  She then continued to tell us, that while she didn't want to get our hopes up, she herself was an IUI success story...not just once...but twice!  She explained the issues we were dealing with and made sure we understood what she was telling us.  We talked with her for about 15 minutes about how long we had been trying, our lifestyle habits, the usual.  She then told us that if we had come in just two months earlier, even with our results, she wouldn't have suggested we attempt fertility treatments just yet.  She continued to tell us some things we didn't know (and things I hadn't even found while googling the SNOT out of everything) including the fact that a women doesn't ovulate every month out of the year...that my mind could trigger an LH surge without my body actually ovulating...and that in the two years we've been trying to conceive, if we consider we had a 1/5 chance naturally, we've only had 5 chances at natural conception.  She kind of blew my mind.  She then continued to tell us that we were an excellent candidate for the IUI procedure and she wanted to get us started as soon as possible!  I did tear up a little then :)

     Unfortunately, we couldn't get started right away.  We have to have lab work done to prove we don't have any infectious diseases or STDs and I have to have a  hysterosalpingogram (http://www.reproductivefacts.org/uploadedFiles/ASRM_Content/Resources/Patient_Resources/Fact_Sheets_and_Info_Booklets/hsg.pdf) to make sure I don't have any blockage in my tubes.  We're looking at starting our first IUI cycle in September.

    And of course, not a bit of this is covered by insurance.  Which means every appointment, every test, every ultrasound has to be paid out of pocket.  It's heart breaking to realize you have to pay money to do something that 90% of the population gets to do for free...

    While we are more than thrilled to finally have answers and a plan of action, we're also terrified that this won't work for us.  We hope to stay cautiously optimistic that we will be the 1 out of 5 who has a successful IUI with a full term pregnancy and healthy delivery on our first round (It's gotta be someone, right?).

     This path has been far from easy, and I know it isn't even close to being over.  I've noticed over the last few days that when I start to feel overwhelmed and break, something tells me this is going to be for a greater purpose.  I hear a little voice whispering to me that someday, I'm going to use this in a big way.  I hold on to that little voice with everything I have.

You know when you want to know but you don't really want to know....

   

     Today was one of those times for me. Last week, Drew and I visited the Tulsa Fertility Center to (finally) have him tested.  This will be our 26 month of trying to conceive while not understanding why we can't, but the first time we had been told to test "the other half".

     We drove down to Tulsa last Thursday, which meant we had to wait...and wait...and wait...for his results to come in.  I finally received a call last night from my OB/GYN's nurse telling me to call them, they had his results.  I did but couldn't ever reach anyone.  They finally got back with me today.

     You know how sometimes you know something is right but you don't want to tell yourself that the sense you have is trying to warn you?  Well...this was one of those times.  I could tell by the way she was talking to me that it wasn't going to be great news.  "We have the results back...and...well..while you have a chance of getting pregnant on your own...it's very small...his count was considerably lower than normal...so Dr. E will be referring you to the Tulsa Fertility Center...we feel the best way to get you a baby is through artificial insemination...or IUI."  In that 10 seconds...I literally felt my heart rip in half.  But I wasn't sad.  Can't really say I was shocked either...just numb.  But I cried (in fact I still am).
 

     It's weird.  We now have an official diagnosis of male factor infertility...so we're no longer "unexplained".  But, I don't really feel any better having an answer than I did when we didn't know...but I don't feel any worse either.  Maybe I'm still processing.  I don't know.  I do know that this place will become very familiar to us over the next few months as we continue our (hopefully over soon!!!) journey through this hell storm of infertility.

    Our new doctors last name is McKinney, so I'm taking that as a good sign.  :)  Please, please continue to pray for us or send us positive thoughts.  This is going to be very hard on us in every way (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially).  My insurance won't cover anything from here on out, but we've already decided we will figure out how to make it work.   I don't know when treatment will start.  I don't even know when our first appointment with them will be or how any of it works.  Almost feels like we're just right back where we started.  

    So, here's my "official" proclamation.   My husband and I, aged 26 and 24, are suffering from infertility.  I don't know when, but soon we will be starting fertility treatment in the form of IUI (intra-uterine insemination) at the Tulsa Fertility Center.  We will not let this bring us down.  We will not fall to the hurt and the unexplained pain that is infertility. We will continue hoping for our future Baby Granger.  We will continue praying and we won't give up.  Because, as I've come to learn the last two years, anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Mid-Year Check-In

     Here we are.  It's June.  By this point in the year, I fully expected to have a miracle growing in my belly.  I had planned to spend my summer planning the nursery, discussing names with Drew, buying clothes for our baby, planning maternity photos.  But as most things in life, my plans didn't work out. Instead of spending my summer preparing for the arrival of our first child, I'm spending wondering what I'm doing wrong.  

     At the beginning of the year, I visited my OB/GYN.  I completed all of the testing that was normal screenings for infertility.  They all came back normal.  I did an ultrasound.  Normal.  Blood work.  Normal.  Everything seemed to be doing what it needed to be doing.  To help "boost", I was prescribed clomid.  I took it for two cycles and after the second, Drew and I decided it wasn't worth wasting my last "shot" if he hadn't been tested yet (you can read about that in earlier posts) so we stopped.  We made a decision to quit "trying" and just let what happens happen. 

     But, even when you do that, you still expect every month to miss your period.  You cry yourself to sleep hoping and praying that this month, this time, this day, this instant, will be the time your body finally works.  And the heart break you feel when you learn it wasn't...it's crushing.  I've thought about this for a long time.  I thought about leaving this alone and moving on.  But I can't. 

    My husband and I just returned from an amazing vacation to Disney World.

  The entire time, we kept noticing the children around us.  The babies smiling and playing with us while waiting in lines.  The smiles on the kids faces while meeting their favorite characters.  We talked about how the next time we came back we would bring our kids.  We talked about the rides we would take them on, the shows we would watch, what restaurants we would take them to.  It was so exciting to talk about all the things we planned to do with OUR kids.  Until the realization that that may never happen for us. We may spend our days smiling and playing with other peoples children, but never our own.  

     I really wish I could find the words to describe the way I feel.  When you have a desire so strong in your heart and nothing you seem to do is making that desire happen...it sucks.  Having to admit to yourself that the dreams you had built in your mind may not happen...that sucks even worse.  

     In a few short weeks, we're going to be picking ourselves up and getting back on the infertility bandwagon.  My insurance is changing to a more infertility-friendly provider and we will be starting the steps to begin testing for the male side of all of this.  Our battle is just beginning, and I know it's far from over.  But the second I admit that I've lost, is the second it becomes worthless and I'm not ready to do that yet. 

5 Things No One Warns You About Infertility

     There comes a time in every cycle where you get excited.  You just know, YOU KNOW, that when you pee on that stick it's going to have two lines.  And then, it doesn't.  And every day after that?  It doesn't.  One line on a stark white stick is what you get.  Congratulations, you did everything right this cycle down to perfect time of baby dancing BUUUUUUT here's your period.

      I had heard about infertility long before I discovered I would have to suffer through it myself.  I had heard about the fertility drugs, the treatments, Octomom.  But what I never heard about what the pain.  The financial burden.  The feeling of loss.  So here are my top 5 things I wish I had been warned about with infertility.

1).  It doesn't just effect me.

     I'm not the only one hurting.  When you have a partner that you are going through this with, it hurts them too.  They may not show it, but eventually, jut like it did you, it will wear them down.   It will lead them to a breaking point.  And there is nothing you can do when that point comes but be there.  You can't console someone when you can't figure out how to handle the grief yourself.  It hurts.  You heart will hurt.  Your head will hurt.  And you will feel crushed to know that this no longer just effects you.

2).  When you get your hopes up, you will be let down.

     I knew this month was going to be different.  We did everything exactly how we were supposed to do it.  EXACTLY.  And I felt thing I had felt before.  Twinges, pain, flutters.  All things I read other women had experienced during the two week wait from ovulation to testing.  And guess what?  I'm pretty sure I made 99% of them up.  I got my hopes up.  I got excited.  I looked at nurseries.  I googled baby names.  Drew and I talked about child care and how we would handle my maternity leave.  We both KNEW this month it was going to happen.  And it didn't.  And we were crushed.

READ THIS: The Emotional Impacts of Infertility

3).  It never gets easier seeing a negative pregnancy test.

     I can easily say I've faced around 35 pregnancy tests (some months I went a little pee-on-a-stick happy).  And all 35 of them were negative.  One would think that by this point, it wouldn't hurt to see "not pregnant".  But it does.  All your hopes and plans are ruined with two words.  I don't think I can even come close to describing the heart ache you feel.  Or the feeling that you've let everyone down.  Again.  Just because your body can't do what it was meant to do.

4).  People will tell you how to "fix" your "problem".

     Apparently, infertility is caused by many things.  Like not believing in God enough.  Or eating the wrong foods.  Or because the government is controlling my uterus and deemed me unfit to procreate at birth.  If you can think it, I can guarantee you I've been told it.  Generally, it's good-hearted.  A friend messaged me another blog about a girl who was going gluten free to see if it would help her unexplained infertility.  I appreciated it and told her so.  I'm not talking about those genuinely trying to help.  There are people in this world who only want to hurt those suffering.  They will say things like the reason I can't get pregnant is because God is punishing me or because I clearly lack in my faith.  They will say things like "Maybe you aren't meant to have children" while swatting away the herd of their own.  They will say things like "Kids aren't that great anyways.  I don't understand why you want one."  Or my all time favorite from people who already have children is "I wouldn't put myself through what you're doing JUST to have a baby.  I mean, it can't be worth all that.".

5).  Infertility makes you stronger.

     This has been the most negative post I have written since December.  And I'm proud of that.  In the last three months, I have watched my relationship with my husband get stronger as we see how much we truly mean to each other and we work hard to give each other the lives we've dreamed of.  I've watched my friendships with others change because they just "don't get it".  I've watched other relationships blossom because they understand my desires and they understand my inability to just let it go.  They understand my fight.  I've found strength in my self to push on, even when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and lie there until I get my answers.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP.  One day, maybe not next month, maybe not this year, BUT ONE DAY, I will hold my own child in my arms.  And it will know how loved it is.  I will read back on these and see how hard I fought, the pain I faced, and know that I can get through whatever is thrown at me.