5 Things No One Warns You About Infertility

     There comes a time in every cycle where you get excited.  You just know, YOU KNOW, that when you pee on that stick it's going to have two lines.  And then, it doesn't.  And every day after that?  It doesn't.  One line on a stark white stick is what you get.  Congratulations, you did everything right this cycle down to perfect time of baby dancing BUUUUUUT here's your period.

      I had heard about infertility long before I discovered I would have to suffer through it myself.  I had heard about the fertility drugs, the treatments, Octomom.  But what I never heard about what the pain.  The financial burden.  The feeling of loss.  So here are my top 5 things I wish I had been warned about with infertility.

1).  It doesn't just effect me.

     I'm not the only one hurting.  When you have a partner that you are going through this with, it hurts them too.  They may not show it, but eventually, jut like it did you, it will wear them down.   It will lead them to a breaking point.  And there is nothing you can do when that point comes but be there.  You can't console someone when you can't figure out how to handle the grief yourself.  It hurts.  You heart will hurt.  Your head will hurt.  And you will feel crushed to know that this no longer just effects you.

2).  When you get your hopes up, you will be let down.

     I knew this month was going to be different.  We did everything exactly how we were supposed to do it.  EXACTLY.  And I felt thing I had felt before.  Twinges, pain, flutters.  All things I read other women had experienced during the two week wait from ovulation to testing.  And guess what?  I'm pretty sure I made 99% of them up.  I got my hopes up.  I got excited.  I looked at nurseries.  I googled baby names.  Drew and I talked about child care and how we would handle my maternity leave.  We both KNEW this month it was going to happen.  And it didn't.  And we were crushed.

READ THIS: The Emotional Impacts of Infertility

3).  It never gets easier seeing a negative pregnancy test.

     I can easily say I've faced around 35 pregnancy tests (some months I went a little pee-on-a-stick happy).  And all 35 of them were negative.  One would think that by this point, it wouldn't hurt to see "not pregnant".  But it does.  All your hopes and plans are ruined with two words.  I don't think I can even come close to describing the heart ache you feel.  Or the feeling that you've let everyone down.  Again.  Just because your body can't do what it was meant to do.

4).  People will tell you how to "fix" your "problem".

     Apparently, infertility is caused by many things.  Like not believing in God enough.  Or eating the wrong foods.  Or because the government is controlling my uterus and deemed me unfit to procreate at birth.  If you can think it, I can guarantee you I've been told it.  Generally, it's good-hearted.  A friend messaged me another blog about a girl who was going gluten free to see if it would help her unexplained infertility.  I appreciated it and told her so.  I'm not talking about those genuinely trying to help.  There are people in this world who only want to hurt those suffering.  They will say things like the reason I can't get pregnant is because God is punishing me or because I clearly lack in my faith.  They will say things like "Maybe you aren't meant to have children" while swatting away the herd of their own.  They will say things like "Kids aren't that great anyways.  I don't understand why you want one."  Or my all time favorite from people who already have children is "I wouldn't put myself through what you're doing JUST to have a baby.  I mean, it can't be worth all that.".

5).  Infertility makes you stronger.

     This has been the most negative post I have written since December.  And I'm proud of that.  In the last three months, I have watched my relationship with my husband get stronger as we see how much we truly mean to each other and we work hard to give each other the lives we've dreamed of.  I've watched my friendships with others change because they just "don't get it".  I've watched other relationships blossom because they understand my desires and they understand my inability to just let it go.  They understand my fight.  I've found strength in my self to push on, even when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and lie there until I get my answers.  I WILL NOT GIVE UP.  One day, maybe not next month, maybe not this year, BUT ONE DAY, I will hold my own child in my arms.  And it will know how loved it is.  I will read back on these and see how hard I fought, the pain I faced, and know that I can get through whatever is thrown at me.