Round 2

   

      Well, round one was...unsuccessful.  I feel like my heart might literally be breaking.  So much hope and want can fit into 29 days. SO MUCH.  And all it takes is one day to bring that all crashing down.  Actually, one moment.  One stupid, crappy, hope ending moment.

     And because that moment was so totally unexpected, I had no way of getting into my doctor to see what I needed to do next.  I was supposed to have 8 more days to prepare for this "moment", despite how hard I was praying it wouldn't come.  So as soon as my kiddos rushed out the door to recess I called them.  And got an answering machine.  You know, when you're a teacher, answering machines are about the crappiest thing you can run into when you only have 15 minutes to make the phone call in the first place.  Anyways, literally 30 seconds before those rotten little first graders came stomping back into my room, the doctor's office called back.   I didn't have to schedule an appointment to come in (they couldn't have gotten me in anyways on such short notice) and they went ahead and refilled my prescription of Clomid.  *HUGE HEAVING SIGH*

     Which means that I will once again be at the mercy of the horrendous, raging hormones contained in the tiny pill known as clomid.  I will cry at the drop of a hat.  I will want to do physical harm to anyone who touches me the wrong way, not to mention looking at me.  I will hate myself.  I will hate my husband.  I will then love myself and my husband with more love than I have ever felt.  I will pee on a stick two times a day for a month in hopes of catching that elusive positive ovulation test.  And, once again, I will hope more than I've hoped before that maybe, just maybe, this month will be different than the last 23 I've endured.   I'll take the stupid pill that will make me psychotic.  And I will pray that this time it will give me those two lines on a pregnancy test.

    Not giving up is the hardest in all of this.  Knowing that I could just feel this again in four weeks is terrifying...knowing I could feel this for so many more months to come keeps me awake at night.

Oh, hello, March.

     Well, here I sit on what is my school districts 19th snow day since December.  First things first, NO, at this time I am not pregnant.  Still too early to tell and I can guarantee you I won't be making the announcement on here...at least not first :)  January and February seemed to have just flown right past me.  I don't remember time going quite as fast before, but maybe it's because most of my time was spent at home instead of at school!

     As for updates, I don't really have a lot to share.  I ended up not going in for my "follicle check" aka ultrasound (you know, the same one I was only charged $245 for two weeks earlier?) in February.  Mainly because I didn't have the $950 upfront to pay for the visit.  I'm glad I didn't though, because I think I discovered this month that I actually ovulate later in my cycle than "average" which means they wouldn't have seen anything (which I also believe was my issue the LAST ultrasound I had done).  The clomid still takes its toll every now and then, even though it's much better than when I was actually taking it daily.  I can say that I will NOT be taking it again, even if this round is unsuccessful.  I can't put myself, or my husband, through that again with only a 5% increase in our chances of conceiving.

     So, in the meantime (or the horrible, dreaded, and downright nasty two week wait), I will continue to plan my nurseries and baby showers on Pinterest and continue praying that someday soon I will be able to put those plans into action.